Y-A-P-P-A

"One day a doctor, an engineer and an architect went to a zoo. When they were passing by a monkey - they couldn't resist testing themselves against each other.

The doctor said "Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, has the best job".


The doctor tried to make the monkey laugh by telling jokes. The monkey stayed still. The architect tried to make funny gestures but the monkey stayed put...
Now, comes the engineer, he whispered something into the monkey's ear, and it burst out laughing at him.
The other two were astonished.


So the architect said "OK, let's take another test. Let's make this monkey cry!!"


The doctor narrated sad stories, the architect made sad gestures,and they failed again...
Then, the engineer whispered something into the monkey's ear and lo! It started crying, patting the engineer's shoulder!
The other two just could not believe their eyes!


So the doctor said "OK, you've won twice. If you can win just this one, we will bow to you. Let's make this monkey run".


And he barked at the monkey and ordered him to run. Of course, it did not move.
The architect pushed and prodded the monkey- still no go.
So... here comes the engineer, again, and whispers into the monkey's ear.
The monkey just takes off!
It runs and runs as fast as it can, as if it was scared to death!


The other two surrendered. Said: "OK, we give up. You're the best among us. But please,please tell us your secret," they begged him.
"Well", said the Engineer,"
The first time I made it laugh, I said I am a Software Engineer
The next time, I told the monkey how much I get paid
And then I said that I was here for recruitment!!!"

So I decided to start this post with a (modified) joke which I read somewhere, the problem is the joke threatens to be longer than how much I write and I don't want that to happen, So get ready to read a long long post. The story is fictional but if you think of it, it isn't too far from reality. I heard that a Mumbai BPO was making spot offers to people who were walking in a mall. The fictional story may turn true sooner than you think.

Oh and by the way Y. A. P. P. A stands for Yet-Another-Placement-Process-Article.

First things first, why did I write another article on placement? Some of my friends pointed out that there were a few points missing from the previous article, that is I had forgotten to mock a few things. For example interviewers, job profiles! And I thought I wasn't quite done with mocking Dr. Bozo and MT. So I decided to think like a second-rate Bollywood director and write a sequel to my previous post  (To be fair it would be a better comparison to a director's cut edition of a movie, few of the things were left out since the previous article had gotten too long). If you aren't familiar with my first post do read it, the link is mentioned in the next line, it is kind of a prerequisite to some of the references in this post.

The Absurdity of Placement

The Talented Dr. Bozo

Or "The Arrogant Defective Disillusioned Lazy Naive Obnoxious Pathetic Thick-Skinned Worthless Dr. Bozo"(For those of you who think I am being caustic, it is a reference to the movie "The Talented Mr. Ripley" and its full title) has become more famous than I expected so I decided to dedicate a paragraph to him.

Creative Visualization of Dr. Bozo. Credit to "the scientist" 

The Star Wars fans probably recognize the image of Jabba the Hutt, but it works for Dr. Bozo as well, especially the neck and the facial expression. When we call Dr. Bozo 'Sir' we don't actually call it out of respect, in fact it is a an abbreviation for his character description it stands for Semi-Literate Ignorant Rude. There was a recent event which happened in Dr. Bozo's life which is presented in an over dramatized way below.

Dr. Bozo was in a fix, not only had the good and decent companies stopped coming but the desperate ones were laughing at his inability to provide a decent crowd for the written test. He thought long and hard, "What excuse should I come up with?" was his thought to be precise. But he came up with no good answer. He thought fervently for months then he thought "Oh!...", a smile lit up his face, "I should have done what I always did! Blame someone else". So the next day he makes an announcement, "None of you are writing companies now since you think it is beneath your level. I am going to "teach you a lesson". I won't call any good companies also. All of you suffer. Muahahahahahahaha!!".
 
MT
A few suggestions to MT to improve upon their "evaluation" system.

Make the system transparent: MT has a strict code of confidentiality as its first rule. Of course breaking it means that its patented system of evaluation will no longer remain a secret, but they are blissfully unaware of the fact that all lottery companies worldwide use the same system.

Hire bimbos: An "attractive" scheme, it ensures that they maintain the same level of IQ among its staff and lets face its the only way that at least some part of the college population will look forward to their visits.

Hire Dr. Bozo and troupe: This will achieve the impossible! Everyone always thought MT couldn't sink any lower but hire Dr. Bozo's troupe and you will see how low they can sink. This won't exactly improve their standards but it will certainly exorcise Dr. Bozo's placement department.

The Interviewer's Mind ( A not-so-Beautiful Mind)


You know I have always wondered what goes on in an interviewer's mind through the course of the interview and I came up with a few fascinating ideas.

When making er, questionable choices..


NOTE: The use of the word 'guy' doesn't mean I am a male chauvinist, I thought it would be pretty stupid to write guy/girl everywhere.


"Hey I was a moron just like this moron when I was his age, I am going to hire him."


"Oh! This guy is a moron! He is perfect for the job."


"I have had enough, I am hiring the next guy who walks in."


"Eeny Meeny Miny Mo.."


"Inky Pinky Ponky...." (This line is as redundant as the interviewer's line of questioning)

"Hmm I don't know about this guy's knowledge, but he is sooooo cuteeeee" (The vain lady interviewer, similar line exists for the vain lady's male counterpart)

While rejecting a potent candidate,

"This guy actually knows something, my job will be in jeopardy if you are my competition, my deepest sympathies to you.."


"Er.. I am not able to follow this guy, I am gonna pick someone my own speed."


"I am going to give myself an ego booster, I am going to prove that I am better than the next guy who I am going to interview and totally screw him over in the process."


"I am bored. I am going to reject the next guy who walks in and mock him before I do."


"Hmm this guy is a little too confident for his own good.. I am going to assist him in dialing it down a bit."


Of course all these opinions are totally made up, as they say you can never read another person's mind (Thank God! Some of us might have died of depression otherwise). But interviewers of certain companies will definitely have this on their mind
"50 more to go.. 50 more to go.. 49 more to go......" 


Job Profile-d


So there are all these different job profiles offered by the companies, you must have obviously heard all about the roles and responsibilities of the various profiles. But what are the companies not telling us?

Analyst/Architect/Developer: Undoubtedly the most coveted profiles in the field. You'd probably think your life is settled once you land a job with this profile, but within a few years you'll realize you only have a job, no life.

Test Engineer: Ever heard of the term "test dummy", well with this job you'll be the dummy who'll be running the tests. I am sure it'll be very fulfilling.

QA Engineer: (For those unaware Quality Assurance Engineer) You'll be given two seals, one says "ACCEPTED" and the other "REJECTED", and you need to give your stamp of approval once the dummy sends the code to you. So in other words you are the dummy's dummy.

Support Engineer: The first thought which came to my mind when I heard the term support engineer was "glorified receptionist". But then when I thought more about it I realized its not glorified at all. Remember school where the peons, the maids were all termed as "support" staff.

Associate Software Engineer: Four years of engineering and later you are not even an engineer, everyone knows associate is just a fancy term for assistant. You are officially at the lowest possible position. Your pay scale is on par with the support staff.

System Engineer: This is a popular profile in one of the mass recruiters, there it means that you are an engineer without a "system" (And by system I mean PC). The name of the profile makes the least sense amongst all profile, what are your responsibilities? An engineer in charge of a/the system? Sounds preposterous.


Some (sensible) Concluding Remarks


I am hoping I completed mocking every aspect of the recruitment process. All kidding aside, engineering (in India at least) is by far the best way to lead a reasonably comfortable life. All the IT sector companies have done a decent job in improving the pay scale when you compared it to what existed before. Some companies absorb students of all companies and provide training to them so that they are ready to enter the IT world (Why they would want to enter it is a baffling question indeed! They'd do better if they stayed put in the field which they studied.)

So in my opinion if you are an engineer, you probably won't have the most satisfying job, but you are better off than most other professions.

And if you are an aspiring engineer with some misguided ideals about engineering, please speak to someone experienced and decide on what you want to do. My personal advice would be "Run Forrest! Run". And by that I mean do something more meaningful than following the herd. If you have another area of interest you'd do well to pursue studies in that area, don't give in to parental and peer pressure.

Now a few remarks about the post. The aim behind writing the article was for completeness of my previous article (and not cheap publicity). I wouldn't be writing anything else which is remotely related to placements. I wouldn't want to be categorized as a one-trick pony or a one trick two-part pony.. Oh great now I am feeling like how David Yates ought to feel. Doh!

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Comments are welcome, as long as they don't accuse me of being too sarcastic! That's the definition of my blog. Literally!